dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
