ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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