So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
