i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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