Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
