Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
