I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
