3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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