It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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