i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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