just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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