drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
