ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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