Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize