Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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