turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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