I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
this will be a night to untag.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
