I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
