That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
