yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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