You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
