they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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