Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Who died my cat blue again?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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