I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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