dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
