Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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