I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
