My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize