I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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