Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
