Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
