i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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