he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
