I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
