Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
