Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
