i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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