By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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