Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
