So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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