Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
