If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
