i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
