She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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