You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
