My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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