she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize