from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
