Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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