I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
