I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
