That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
