he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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