i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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