Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize