Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
