note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A bitchslap is in order.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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