Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize