Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
