No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize