You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
