I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
