I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize